Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Thirty Paintings-Day 16

I decided on a subject, squeezed out paint, mixed paint , and started to paint.  Wiped it off,  tried again, and again...decided this was not working.  My self talk got louder and louder.  Lately I need to almost have some sort of connection with my subject.  Had little with the ordinary thing I choose.

I also was hit with a wave of grief this evening and everything just fell away...then I realized this is my painting, this is me tonight.  I loose my technique, my abilities, my nerve, my confidence, my heart when the waves hit.  I get slammed hard, shocked sometimes.  The sadness so heavy I could fall to the ground and stay there.  I have lost the most important thing to me, my husband of fifty years, and I feel like a blank canvas at times, with very little of me left.  I am trying to work with what is left but tonight this is what I got.  I am never going to be the same person as I was and I am at a loss as to what that means yet.  All I do know is that I am in transition.   The more I look at this and think about it I am again giving myself kudos for showing up anyway, for painting, and accepting what I got.

                                                                       oil, 6"x6", canvas panel

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