Saturday, June 29, 2013

Sorting...



I am going to try to write here what I feel.  I have just read over my blog since the beginning and so much has changed.  My last post I was busy working on an art degree of which I finished and graduated with honors in May with a second BA in Studio Art/Painting concentration.   Hardly seems possible that 3 and 1/2 years have passed since beginning that journey.  I don't know if I ever worked so hard at something in all my life...sure I did but boy it was a journey on many levels but it is done and I will sort it out as I need to.

There have been so many changes while these three years were passing buy.  My dear Amy passed away at the age of 15 from  natural causes.  I had not realized the all consuming grief I would feel for her.  I miss her still these 2  years later. 














Then my Mother passed away suddenly.  She lived 3000 miles away so I did not see the decline...then my dear Abby, my cat of 10 years  became ill and was gone 8 weeks after the diagnosis in January.

But the most life changing loss is happening slowly and sadly before my eyes as my husband was diagnosed with two terminal illness's and their respective complications and was told to think about home hospice...and that is what he chose.  With me as his primary caregiver we have been traveling this path, this path that leads nowhere...that leads everywhere.  The photo of him and I was taken a year ago.  He has changed considerably some 13 months later and so have I.  He has lost all fat and most of his muscles.  I have been pushed to the limits...examining everything I have ever believed and then some.  We have been on an end of life roller coaster and to say it has not been easy would be an understatement.

So with school behind me and at the moment I am not feeling much like a painter, I am not feeling like me even,  I am going to write about my losses as it is a huge part of my life these days just to try to sought it out.  I am not looking for pity,  so please refrain from that but comments are welcome.  I am trying to walk through this as best as one can.  I can barely put two clear thoughts together and have them make any sense at all.  So I expect there will be wrong words, spelling mistakes, and run on sentences...so no blogging police please...free pass for now.

My husband is failing and I know it and he knows it but as for time it is anybody's guess.  He sleeps a lot now and talks and eats little.  He is disengaging and that makes me so sad.  He has some better days and some where he sleeps right through and it scares me.  I am alone most of the time and sometimes I am so sad I don't know where to put myself.  Then other times I embrace being alone and try to make sense of it all...impossible at present.  For tonight I needed to 'talk' with no one telling me that it will all be alright because after all,  it won't be for a long time.  We have been married for better or worse, for 49 years.  It will change and all be different...it already has changed so much that I no longer recognize my life.

If you happened by...thanks for reading.  Grateful... Have a good night or day...depending.