Six Months...

                   That Morning

Searching frantically for poems, music, or words
anything to mark your death
to bring you back to me
six months ago today...half a year
and so the tears begin
a seemingly permanent condition
that takes me back to you, that morning
the unreal silence of the breath I use to listen to
the unbelievability of your stilled body that use to hold me close
no longer seeing me
hearing me
feeling me...
the loneliness for you
for us
for then
I am unable to touch the place to make it better
all I do is yearn for you
everyday remember what we did
sadness spreads as hot molten lava
burning me
hardening me
to the stone
searching for her lover
I love you, Richard

-Carol Rodi

 This was written Friday by me...as an expression of my grief. 

   

The six month anniversary of Richard’s death has been approaching...with tomorrow being the six month marker.   Sometimes it feel so much worse now than when he first died.  I know it was because I was so numb when he did pass that I had no idea of the ramifications, no idea the feelings that would arise, just no idea.  Even though he was leaving, dying...one is still shocked beyond belief that it actually happened.  This week started out with deep grief and mourning resulting in wracking sobs, sometimes just crumpled, folded in on myself, on the floor.  But then that is how down and dirty grief can be...it changes on you.  Then all of a sudden one finds herself in her home office trying to make sense of the piles of paper, bills, correspondence, things needing attending to, long over due in some cases while eyes are still wet from a episode of hard crying.

But now it has hit the critical mass place.  Appliances are failing(water heater and refrigerator), certain applications are nearing deadlines, car needs attention, need a haircut, have not had an eye exam since 2008...and that is just the beginning.  There are piles of paper around the room as I have emptied the file cabinet as well. 

So now the refrigerator has been dealt with and will be replaced and the water heater is being researched with probably a decision today as to the direction I will take.  The hair has been cut and Got the eye exam  which takes be back to this strange place of grief.

The exam was somewhat disturbing in that it appears I have a few issues going on and the doctor thought I needed to see a specialist for the eye disorders and discouraged me from even filling the new glasses prescription until I have been seen.  That was sobering.  But probably the worse thing was coming home to an empty house and having no one to share it with and receive a hug from.   The being alone was palpable.  I made myself a mug of herbal tea, sat on the sofa, and cried my fear and sadness to an empty room. 

The day did not end that way though.  My son and daughter walked in with my son bearing a gift of a new TV.  He had taken all my less than perfectly working large picture tube televisions to the city drop off center yesterday and decided that a new flat screen was something I needed.  We made the change, he set it up, and then the three of us laughed, talked, and cried...OK,  I cried.

Still worried about my eyes but trying to stay peaceful though terribly hard.  I tend to be a worrier.  I could break down right now and say, really?  Now?  Right now after all of this I need to do this now?  And I cry...

Another Day, Another Marker...Without Him

"maybe some people just aren't meant to be in our lives forever. Maybe some people are just passing through...maybe they get it all done faster than the rest of us. It's like some people just come through our lives to bring us something- a gift, a blessing, a lesson we need to learn and that's why they are here. They taught you something. I'll bet...about life, and giving and caring so much about someone...that was their gift to you. They gave you the gift and they were free to move on...they were special souls...you will have that gift forever."
-Anonymous

Richard had to leave home to go to inpatient hospice six months ago this morning as his symptoms and comfort could no longer be controlled at home. That morning is a poignant one for me...listening to 'The End of Suffering' together, sitting quietly, holding hands at the table as we digested this turn of events in our lives, a last hug, and last words of tenderness..."don't loose me". I am grateful for my life with Richard, all of it, everything, every single thing taught me something invaluable, the good, the bad, the beautiful, and the ugly. He has left me with gifts immeasurable up to that very last moment...and beyond. Yes, I am a keeper of time as I examine every minute of our life together, picking it up, looking it over and gently put it back in place feeling nothing but love and compassion for the man I spent almost all my life with. I will love you forever, Richard...

The End of Suffering

Missing You Today...Valentine's Day

I pour through photos almost in an attempt to 'find' him.  I need to 'see' him.  I know...but this is the mind on grief.  It can be pretty unsettling. When I find them, post them, then come back latter and see them...I cry. Doesn't make any sense to me...not a whole lot makes sense anymore.  The panic in my stomach has been almost a constant the past few days.  I am encouraged to cry until there is no more...feels never ending.  Crying hurts and is exhausting.  This is one of my favorite images...so for my 'first' Valentine's Day this one makes as much sense to me as anything.  I don't know but each day without him seems harder rather than easier.

Marking Time

243360 minutes ...

another first, milestone, marker...

5 months, 2 weeks, and 2 days

my first birthday without you... alone 

with nothing more than a winter storm to remind me of my loss

169 days

since I heard your breath, touched your arm, or said I love you...

24 weeks

seeing your empty spaces through our home...

4056 hours 

how many hours ...

of deep sorrow

243360 minutes

if I could have only begged you to stay...

14601600 seconds

your in my heart, thoughts, and forever in my life, 

 I love you Richard...

Random thoughts and Routine Days...

 Sitting here reading a paper I got at the spouse loss meeting last night and the words "It's possible to take two to four years to recover..." now couple that with going to bed last night feeling like my life, how I lived it, and that I was comfortable with, is over. Trying to grapple with these feelings this morning, feeling alone...feeling all the losses in my life since a child beginning with my mother and not feeling very good and started to cry...then the phone rings, and I think I am almost happy that I have been interrupted and can talk to someone...instead some one says something quickly and where they were from...and a group of women just start to sing and laugh through a version of Joy to the World and We Wish You A Merry Christmas and hung up on me...as I cried through the whole call, crying because of my deep reaching sorrow and that there is no way to feel joy or have a merry anything right now and I needed to talk,  not be hung up on... The best wish I have received thus far is that Christmas be peaceful and I will be thought of...that was honest and heart felt. And the stinking splinter remains as a reminder that all is not well. Off to pay a bill and leave this sad, quiet, empty house for a while only to come back to it and trudge through another night. 

But before I leave there is this...I have been searching for a notebook I was using last spring semester...seems so long ago. But anyway, some things are in it I need but today instead came upon another notebook from 2002. I write pretty random notes so as to not forget because I tend to think pretty random thoughts...anyway looking through it I found recipes, knitting directions, and list's of books to get or read as well as other assorted stuff. One book was,  'Gwen John:A Painter's Life' by Sue Roe. Oddly, a year ago I was in a class with the instructor showing slides with the subject being the life and work of Gwen John. This week I stopped at a used book store, something I have not done in a very long time. A year...maybe more. I had a book in mind but it was not there instead though, were a few things I have had on a running list in my head. As I perused the store to make my way out the door empty handed I stopped at the art section and as I read the spines of the books there was the Gwen John book I have wanted for what eleven years? Also a biography about Lee Krasner, wife of Jackson Pollock by Gail Levin! But to make the pot even sweeter was the two volume set of Drawings of Rembrandt with commentary by Seymore Slive! I borrowed those from my instructor and she let me hold on to them for a very long time as they were wonderful to study. She had told me to try to get them as one can always learn from him...and there they were! I don't know what this post even means in regards to the sharing of it but I guess I just needed to tell 'someone' of my finds and excitement towards them as it told me I still care deeply, somewhere inside about something I have cared about all of my life. This awareness after an expressive dance rendering grief with my body in my studio that even Maggie came in and participated in, and then falling in a heap on my studio floor in deep wracking sobs...found the notebook not looking for and you know the rest. Grief, what a bumpy, unsettling ride...
Maybe the point is the routine of one's life and the picking up of that routine after a loved one has passed away...I was reading this morning also where one must slide back into one's life...I realized sadly on many levels, Richard was my routine, my life revolved around him and his needs for a very long time and before that my children were my routine. So then what? One is faced with the daunting thought of how to make your own way, your own life, and routines...so were the books bread on the path? Maybe...

"Carol, Richard is gone..."

The following few lines were from my post on August 28 on Facebook:

My husband, my lover, my friend...I have missed his presence all day. He slipped away at the Philip Hulitar Inpatient Center this morning at 5:05 while Maggie and I slept near him. Thank you all for your loving support over the last 16 months as I cared for him...while at the same time knowing I was loosing him. Caring for him though very difficult at times, taught me much about compassion for another and much about myself. It was the hardest, most frustrating, and the most loving thing I have ever done. I love you Richard Rodi...

  

Tonight:
And my life has changed as his is no more.   How does that even make any sense?  My husband of 49 years passed away on the early morning of August 28.  It is four weeks today.  I wear four bracelets to remember...like I would ever forget.  There are details of course from that previous blog post where I knew we were on our way yet I could not grasp it...right to the end I was numb.  My brain knew it was happening but my heart refused to engage in this foolishness.  But the end came...he had to go to the inpatient hospice center as his symptoms were no longer able to be controlled and for eight days I was no longer his care giver but rather just his wife.  I was given eight days, five with which he was non responsive, for me to just love, talk, and touch him and nothing more.  And yes, watch him leave a little each day.

But four weeks have indeed gone by and my heart is broken.  I am lost with out this person who has been a major part of my life for 50 years, almost all of my life as well the father of my five children, and grandfather to eight.  I have a lot of grief and mourning to do...a lot of feelings to deal with, tears to shed, and try to figure out what the hell just happened to us. Puff, and it is over...

Richard Rodi

Obituary

Guest Book

• "Dear Carol I am sorry sad that Richard pass on my deepest..."
  - Terri Mottola

View Sign

RODI, RICHARD R., SR., 66, passed away Wednesday August 28, 2013 at the Philip Hulitar Home & Hospice Inpatient Center, Providence. He was the beloved husband of Carol Ann (McGillivary) Rodi. Born in Providence a son of the late Alfred Rodi, Sr. and the late Lucia Sionne. Mr. Rodi was a Truck driver for Waste Management. Besides his wife, he is survived by two sons, Richard Rodi, Jr. of Cranston, Gregory Rodi of Alabama, three daughters, Deanna Quaranta of Woonsocket, Cheryl Rodi, Julie Lyons, both of Cranston, and eight grandchildren. He was the brother of Alfred Rodi, Jr., Joyce Ianniello and the late Robert and Ann Rodi. His funeral is Saturday at 10:30 a.m. from "WOODLAWN" Funeral Home, 600 Pontiac Avenue, Cranston followed by a funeral service at 12 noon in Christ Church, 1025 Main Street, East Greenwich. CALLING HOURS Friday 5-8 p.m. www.WoodlawnGattone.com

Published in The Providence Journal on August 29, 2013

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- See more at: http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/providence/obituary.aspx?n=richard-rodi&pid=166676901&fhid=28486#fbLoggedOut

Richard Rodi

Obituary

Guest Book

• "Dear Carol I am sorry sad that Richard pass on my deepest..."
  - Terri Mottola

View Sign

RODI, RICHARD R., SR., 66, passed away Wednesday August 28, 2013 at the Philip Hulitar Home & Hospice Inpatient Center, Providence. He was the beloved husband of Carol Ann (McGillivary) Rodi. Born in Providence a son of the late Alfred Rodi, Sr. and the late Lucia Sionne. Mr. Rodi was a Truck driver for Waste Management. Besides his wife, he is survived by two sons, Richard Rodi, Jr. of Cranston, Gregory Rodi of Alabama, three daughters, Deanna Quaranta of Woonsocket, Cheryl Rodi, Julie Lyons, both of Cranston, and eight grandchildren. He was the brother of Alfred Rodi, Jr., Joyce Ianniello and the late Robert and Ann Rodi. His funeral is Saturday at 10:30 a.m. from "WOODLAWN" Funeral Home, 600 Pontiac Avenue, Cranston followed by a funeral service at 12 noon in Christ Church, 1025 Main Street, East Greenwich. CALLING HOURS Friday 5-8 p.m. www.WoodlawnGattone.com

Published in The Providence Journal on August 29, 2013

Print  |  View Guest Book

- See more at: http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/providence/obituary.aspx?n=richard-rodi&pid=166676901&fhid=28486#fbLoggedOut

Sorting...

I am going to try to write here what I feel.  I have just read over my blog since the beginning and so much has changed.  My last post I was busy working on an art degree of which I finished and graduated with honors in May with a second BA in Studio Art/Painting concentration.   Hardly seems possible that 3 and 1/2 years have passed since beginning that journey.  I don't know if I ever worked so hard at something in all my life...sure I did but boy it was a journey on many levels but it is done and I will sort it out as I need to.

There have been so many changes while these three years were passing buy.  My dear Amy passed away at the age of 15 from  natural causes.  I had not realized the all consuming grief I would feel for her.  I miss her still these 2  years later. 














Then my Mother passed away suddenly.  She lived 3000 miles away so I did not see the decline...then my dear Abby, my cat of 10 years  became ill and was gone 8 weeks after the diagnosis in January.

But the most life changing loss is happening slowly and sadly before my eyes as my husband was diagnosed with two terminal illness's and their respective complications and was told to think about home hospice...and that is what he chose.  With me as his primary caregiver we have been traveling this path, this path that leads nowhere...that leads everywhere.  The photo of him and I was taken a year ago.  He has changed considerably some 13 months later and so have I.  He has lost all fat and most of his muscles.  I have been pushed to the limits...examining everything I have ever believed and then some.  We have been on an end of life roller coaster and to say it has not been easy would be an understatement.

So with school behind me and at the moment I am not feeling much like a painter, I am not feeling like me even,  I am going to write about my losses as it is a huge part of my life these days just to try to sought it out.  I am not looking for pity,  so please refrain from that but comments are welcome.  I am trying to walk through this as best as one can.  I can barely put two clear thoughts together and have them make any sense at all.  So I expect there will be wrong words, spelling mistakes, and run on sentences...so no blogging police please...free pass for now.

My husband is failing and I know it and he knows it but as for time it is anybody's guess.  He sleeps a lot now and talks and eats little.  He is disengaging and that makes me so sad.  He has some better days and some where he sleeps right through and it scares me.  I am alone most of the time and sometimes I am so sad I don't know where to put myself.  Then other times I embrace being alone and try to make sense of it all...impossible at present.  For tonight I needed to 'talk' with no one telling me that it will all be alright because after all,  it won't be for a long time.  We have been married for better or worse, for 49 years.  It will change and all be different...it already has changed so much that I no longer recognize my life.

If you happened by...thanks for reading.  Grateful... Have a good night or day...depending.

Amy

This is Amy... she was a little 13" Beagle who was just shy of her 15th birthday. She had been a fixture in our home because she had been here as long as we were. Most people think about decorating their new home...I on the other hand just wanted a dog after years of apartment living...so I brought home a dog.

I said good bye to her on May 27, 2011...I had no idea I would be so moved by the passing of one little pup. She had changed from a terribly timid dog all her life(that is how she was born) to extremely funny, deaf, pushy old 'lady'. She begged, jumped on us for our food, and because of the deafness nothing scared her any longer. She just walked with an air of confidence she never had before. She was pretty funny.

Then all of a sudden her age caught up with her and she was dying...still can't go there. No warning, five days of denial, that's it...then she was gone. I did get to love her, hold her and even gave a bath to sooth her. But I do have funny, light hearted memories of her that I now allow to come out and comfort me. Like how she would forget about her terrible fear when it snowed and she would run and sail off the deck with beagle ears out straight like little wings along with her out stretched legs and land in the snow. Where that came from I will never know but being a snow lover my self I always enjoyed her response, that was always so out of character...



Maggie misses her, sometimes seems to be looking for her and has changed her napping spot as they always napped together. She always stays with one of us now and sleeps in my room. It occurred to me that Maggie had never been alone, she came here as a 7 week old pup 9 years ago and Amy became surrogate mom. And now she is gone...



Rest in Peace my sweet, funny Amy girl...I so miss that wise little face peering out at me from those dark seal eyes.

Thanks for reading...it has been a while I know.