Thursday, February 27, 2014

The six month anniversary of Richard’s death has been approaching...with tomorrow being the six month marker.   Sometimes it feel so much worse now than when he first died.  I know it was because I was so numb when he did pass that I had no idea of the ramifications, no idea the feelings that would arise, just no idea.  Even though he was leaving, is still shocked beyond belief that it actually happened.  This week started out with deep grief and mourning resulting in wracking sobs, sometimes just crumpled, folded in on myself, on the floor.  But then that is how down and dirty grief can changes on you.  Then all of a sudden one finds herself in her home office trying to make sense of the piles of paper, bills, correspondence, things needing attending to, long over due in some cases while eyes are still wet from a episode of hard crying.

But now it has hit the critical mass place.  Appliances are failing(water heater and refrigerator), certain applications are nearing deadlines, car needs attention, need a haircut, have not had an eye exam since 2008...and that is just the beginning.  There are piles of paper around the room as I have emptied the file cabinet as well. 

So now the refrigerator has been dealt with and will be replaced and the water heater is being researched with probably a decision today as to the direction I will take.  The hair has been cut and Got the eye exam  which takes be back to this strange place of grief.

The exam was somewhat disturbing in that it appears I have a few issues going on and the doctor thought I needed to see a specialist for the eye disorders and discouraged me from even filling the new glasses prescription until I have been seen.  That was sobering.  But probably the worse thing was coming home to an empty house and having no one to share it with and receive a hug from.   The being alone was palpable.  I made myself a mug of herbal tea, sat on the sofa, and cried my fear and sadness to an empty room. 

The day did not end that way though.  My son and daughter walked in with my son bearing a gift of a new TV.  He had taken all my less than perfectly working large picture tube televisions to the city drop off center yesterday and decided that a new flat screen was something I needed.  We made the change, he set it up, and then the three of us laughed, talked, and cried...OK,  I cried.

Still worried about my eyes but trying to stay peaceful though terribly hard.  I tend to be a worrier.  I could break down right now and say, really?  Now?  Right now after all of this I need to do this now?  And I cry...

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Another Day, Another Marker...Without Him

"maybe some people just aren't meant to be in our lives forever. Maybe some people are just passing through...maybe they get it all done faster than the rest of us. It's like some people just come through our lives to bring us something- a gift, a blessing, a lesson we need to learn and that's why they are here. They taught you something. I'll bet...about life, and giving and caring so much about someone...that was their gift to you. They gave you the gift and they were free to move on...they were special will have that gift forever."

Richard had to leave home to go to inpatient hospice six months ago this morning as his symptoms and comfort could no longer be controlled at home. That morning is a poignant one for me...listening to 'The End of Suffering' together, sitting quietly, holding hands at the table as we digested this turn of events in our lives, a last hug, and last words of tenderness..."don't loose me". I am grateful for my life with Richard, all of it, everything, every single thing taught me something invaluable, the good, the bad, the beautiful, and the ugly. He has left me with gifts immeasurable up to that very last moment...and beyond. Yes, I am a keeper of time as I examine every minute of our life together, picking it up, looking it over and gently put it back in place feeling nothing but love and compassion for the man I spent almost all my life with. I will love you forever, Richard...

The End of Suffering

Friday, February 14, 2014

Missing You Today...Valentine's Day

I pour through photos almost in an attempt to 'find' him.  I need to 'see' him.  I know...but this is the mind on grief.  It can be pretty unsettling. When I find them, post them, then come back latter and see them...I cry. Doesn't make any sense to me...not a whole lot makes sense anymore.  The panic in my stomach has been almost a constant the past few days.  I am encouraged to cry until there is no more...feels never ending.  Crying hurts and is exhausting.  This is one of my favorite for my 'first' Valentine's Day this one makes as much sense to me as anything.  I don't know but each day without him seems harder rather than easier.

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Marking Time

243360 minutes ...

another first, milestone, marker...

5 months, 2 weeks, and 2 days

my first birthday without you... alone 

with nothing more than a winter storm to remind me of my loss

169 days

since I heard your breath, touched your arm, or said I love you...

24 weeks

seeing your empty spaces through our home...

4056 hours 

how many hours ...

of deep sorrow

243360 minutes

if I could have only begged you to stay...

14601600 seconds

your in my heart, thoughts, and forever in my life, 

 I love you Richard...