The six month anniversary of Richard’s death has been approaching...with tomorrow being the six month marker. Sometimes it feel so much worse now than when he first died. I know it was because I was so numb when he did pass that I had no idea of the ramifications, no idea the feelings that would arise, just no idea. Even though he was leaving, dying...one is still shocked beyond belief that it actually happened. This week started out with deep grief and mourning resulting in wracking sobs, sometimes just crumpled, folded in on myself, on the floor. But then that is how down and dirty grief can be...it changes on you. Then all of a sudden one finds herself in her home office trying to make sense of the piles of paper, bills, correspondence, things needing attending to, long over due in some cases while eyes are still wet from a episode of hard crying.
But now it has hit the critical mass place. Appliances are failing(water heater and refrigerator), certain applications are nearing deadlines, car needs attention, need a haircut, have not had an eye exam since 2008...and that is just the beginning. There are piles of paper around the room as I have emptied the file cabinet as well.
So now the refrigerator has been dealt with and will be replaced and the water heater is being researched with probably a decision today as to the direction I will take. The hair has been cut and Got the eye exam which takes be back to this strange place of grief.
The exam was somewhat disturbing in that it appears I have a few issues going on and the doctor thought I needed to see a specialist for the eye disorders and discouraged me from even filling the new glasses prescription until I have been seen. That was sobering. But probably the worse thing was coming home to an empty house and having no one to share it with and receive a hug from. The being alone was palpable. I made myself a mug of herbal tea, sat on the sofa, and cried my fear and sadness to an empty room.
The day did not end that way though. My son and daughter walked in with my son bearing a gift of a new TV. He had taken all my less than perfectly working large picture tube televisions to the city drop off center yesterday and decided that a new flat screen was something I needed. We made the change, he set it up, and then the three of us laughed, talked, and cried...OK, I cried.
Still worried about my eyes but trying to stay peaceful though terribly hard. I tend to be a worrier. I could break down right now and say, really? Now? Right now after all of this I need to do this now? And I cry...
My theme for the month is to paint the ordinary, the everyday, the things I over look in my quest for the perfect subject, which of course usually stops me in my tracks. Maybe even explore parts of the whole. We will see. So I started with a pear. My go to when I could not come up with anything else because my mind was so full of my husband, his illness, and our future. Pears were safe...
