One year...

This man...this man who I shared life with for fifty years, who I loved, was my lover, fought with, laughed with, danced with, had five children with, eight grandchildren with, and everything else with died one year ago today. I have written over the year extensively about my grief, sadness, hopelessness via Facebook and you for the most part have read and held me up...thank you. I am numb this morning. Oddly quiet and thoughtful but numb. A strange state of disbelief and calm. The tears are right at the ready. I find it hard to believe 365 days have past with out him, that I have cried for 365 days, sometimes for hours at end, curled up on the floor in the fetal position. He was my life I have discovered...there is much I have discovered about me over the year but the most important is I know  he was who I was meant to be with. That is it really...I loved him, love him now, and will continue to love him...I miss him still as much today as ever and look for ward to that day at the end of my life, with my hands outstretched to him and I see him again, and he will throw his

arms around me and I will settle once again...I had no idea.

Another Day, Another Marker...Without Him

"maybe some people just aren't meant to be in our lives forever. Maybe some people are just passing through...maybe they get it all done faster than the rest of us. It's like some people just come through our lives to bring us something- a gift, a blessing, a lesson we need to learn and that's why they are here. They taught you something. I'll bet...about life, and giving and caring so much about someone...that was their gift to you. They gave you the gift and they were free to move on...they were special souls...you will have that gift forever."
-Anonymous

Richard had to leave home to go to inpatient hospice six months ago this morning as his symptoms and comfort could no longer be controlled at home. That morning is a poignant one for me...listening to 'The End of Suffering' together, sitting quietly, holding hands at the table as we digested this turn of events in our lives, a last hug, and last words of tenderness..."don't loose me". I am grateful for my life with Richard, all of it, everything, every single thing taught me something invaluable, the good, the bad, the beautiful, and the ugly. He has left me with gifts immeasurable up to that very last moment...and beyond. Yes, I am a keeper of time as I examine every minute of our life together, picking it up, looking it over and gently put it back in place feeling nothing but love and compassion for the man I spent almost all my life with. I will love you forever, Richard...

The End of Suffering