The Road Narrows...

The last Christmas party hosted by the company he worked for before he became ill.  We had such a good time that night...sadly we did not have enough of those times in our 50 years together(49 married).

  A long time friend of 30 years who I have not really seen in a long while sent me this post on Facebook last week:

"So at this point I personally rely on seeing your posts as I have become involved in your journey of life. The fact that you have become primary caretaker for your husband of 40 plus years has had such an impact in my own life. When my ex-husband was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer he came to live his last days with his son Christian who lives behind me. I felt helpless and angry that I would be put in this position. You are teaching me to forgive my feelings and be thankful for every situation we are given."

My response:

I was told a year ago that I was beginning a journey, a hard, difficult one. That my emotions would be all over the place. Well, they were right only they didn't tell me the half of it. You are watching someone that you love, care about fade away. Then you are called upon to be the care giver which in essence means give up you life as you knew it. You are caught between grieving your life, their life, your life as a couple. I was just talking to someone last night who was called upon to do the same as you with her ex husband, the father of her kids. That is a huge undertaking. Are you kidding me? Absolutely take yourself off the hook. At some point healing comes out of it I am sure. Maybe that is why we are put in these situations, to give the opportunity for forgiveness, all the way around...to allow the grace of God to heal those things that needed to be healed. I don't know...the whole suffering thing makes me crazy. Also, life does not stop because you are a caregiver. Other situations, worries, and in general life hits you daily. I have to think about now taking care of myself, running my home alone, keeping a car on the road...just to name a few, this while grieving and caring for Richard. So 15 months with hospice, after he having been ill for such a long time, well needless to say I am spent, worn, irritable, and have little patience for things beyond my control...I have to save what little I have left for Richard. I worry about my own health these days because of the stress. People think your home doing nothing, caring for someone but they really do not get what that really means. But still and all I would not have done it any different...this is how he wanted it and I agreed. Thanks,R-------. Thanks for sharing that with me, thanks for reading my posts and I am so pleased to know they have helped you. I don't know how else to be other than frank, no filter. I just put it out there, honest and raw...death is raw. Grief is raw. It is the ending of a life...forgive him, he turned where he knew to go. Think on that. Forgive you? I don't think there's anything to forgive...those were your feelings. Just deal with the feelings, feel them and let them begin to leave. God bless and thank you...


I received a similar email from another long time friend whose husband has just been diagnosed with cancer and for now responding well to chemo...but she is fearful and understandably so.  I am grateful for these women and many others who have reached out to me in one way or another.  I am grateful that my ramblings have given them some measure of peace or comfort.  It is a hard road for both the person who is dying and those of us helping them on this, their final journey...we must not minimize our feelings in any of this.  I choose to be honest and frank because it helps me and it is obviously a source of support to others.  We don't like to talk about death.  There are people in my own family who avoid Richard, thus me because they don't want to confront their own mortality I suppose.  They say things like they can't handle it or it makes them depressed...Sorry, I have no pity for them.  I can't leave, run, or pretend it is not happening.  I have to be here and watch the decline but I am better for it.  

Maggie, the ever faithful companion can usually be found with Richard.  This was a quick ride to the water...quick being the operative word here as soon as we arrived and I got him settled in a chair Richard wanted to leave.

Richard has been in bed, sleeping pretty much since Friday eating no more than a cup of yogurt a day or maybe a Popsicle.  He had some relief from the encephalopathy which allowed for some clarity of thoughts.  He asked me what I thought dying was like or would be like.  A shocking question from him as he has not been able to even talk about his passage partly because of his confused thinking due to the encephalopathy.  I related some of my thoughts and things I had read. He seemed comforted by our exchange.  We said some things to each other that I am grateful for leaving me in tears.  Yesterday was more little talks of him remembering times past, people, houses we lived in, things he wished were different...again bittersweet.  He said he wished we were young again.  I am so grateful for these moments in time with him. 

I was strangely calm this past weekend and I can not explain that.  Even last night I did not get to sleep until 4:30 AM because he awoke a few times and I needed to help him and of course I was unable to sleep because my mind was racing with all manner of thoughts...primarily I know he is declining.  Oddly,  I feel like I am in this very soft cocoon of sorts and I am just going through the days and nights relatively untouched by anything.  I know what is happening but yet I can not seem to grasp it.  Self preservation kicking in?  I am on over load with a few irons in the fire right now and maybe it the brain and the body's way of protecting us.

I have little energy reserves and sometimes just the thought of opening Blogger is too much.  Today after very little sleep I had the energy...go figure.  Thanks for reading and please, comments are welcome.  Have a great day.  And remember, it is not the things you have done in life that you will remember but that which you have not done that you will think about and regret having not done.  So look at that list of things you are waiting to do and begin!  What are you waiting for?

Sorting...

I am going to try to write here what I feel.  I have just read over my blog since the beginning and so much has changed.  My last post I was busy working on an art degree of which I finished and graduated with honors in May with a second BA in Studio Art/Painting concentration.   Hardly seems possible that 3 and 1/2 years have passed since beginning that journey.  I don't know if I ever worked so hard at something in all my life...sure I did but boy it was a journey on many levels but it is done and I will sort it out as I need to.

There have been so many changes while these three years were passing buy.  My dear Amy passed away at the age of 15 from  natural causes.  I had not realized the all consuming grief I would feel for her.  I miss her still these 2  years later. 














Then my Mother passed away suddenly.  She lived 3000 miles away so I did not see the decline...then my dear Abby, my cat of 10 years  became ill and was gone 8 weeks after the diagnosis in January.

But the most life changing loss is happening slowly and sadly before my eyes as my husband was diagnosed with two terminal illness's and their respective complications and was told to think about home hospice...and that is what he chose.  With me as his primary caregiver we have been traveling this path, this path that leads nowhere...that leads everywhere.  The photo of him and I was taken a year ago.  He has changed considerably some 13 months later and so have I.  He has lost all fat and most of his muscles.  I have been pushed to the limits...examining everything I have ever believed and then some.  We have been on an end of life roller coaster and to say it has not been easy would be an understatement.

So with school behind me and at the moment I am not feeling much like a painter, I am not feeling like me even,  I am going to write about my losses as it is a huge part of my life these days just to try to sought it out.  I am not looking for pity,  so please refrain from that but comments are welcome.  I am trying to walk through this as best as one can.  I can barely put two clear thoughts together and have them make any sense at all.  So I expect there will be wrong words, spelling mistakes, and run on sentences...so no blogging police please...free pass for now.

My husband is failing and I know it and he knows it but as for time it is anybody's guess.  He sleeps a lot now and talks and eats little.  He is disengaging and that makes me so sad.  He has some better days and some where he sleeps right through and it scares me.  I am alone most of the time and sometimes I am so sad I don't know where to put myself.  Then other times I embrace being alone and try to make sense of it all...impossible at present.  For tonight I needed to 'talk' with no one telling me that it will all be alright because after all,  it won't be for a long time.  We have been married for better or worse, for 49 years.  It will change and all be different...it already has changed so much that I no longer recognize my life.

If you happened by...thanks for reading.  Grateful... Have a good night or day...depending.

Sabbath Rest

Providence Canal charcoal on paper 2010

No reason or rhyme this morning...just off the cuff as it were. Over loaded with much so to do, subsequently accomplishing nothing. Studying for a mid term on Thursday coming in Renaissance Art History this week, so my brain is twirling the names of Cimabue, Giotto, and Duccio around. In the shower I am thinking about the Enthroned Madonnas and altarpieces automatically. Feels like I am in a fun house, on a speeding ramp and I can not get off. Holding on for dear life...and life is dear. But being the mature student that I am ( that kills me ) I have many other things, too that I also must twirl around and find solutions for. But the loss of Steve Jobs this week and a very thoughtful commencement speech he made at Stanford a few years ago helps to put some things into perspective, at least for me. You have probably already seen this but I need to see it again and listen to the words because they are important ones...and on the off shot that you have not, listen and ponder.



"Love what you do and don't settle"... I love what I am doing, finally... Even with all the stress and deadlines at present, I am learning to work through them and meet them. So with that said I am painting a lot of pears these days just because I think they are interesting and each one different and beautiful. They ripen quickly which presents its own set of challenges. But for me, the hope it as I continue they, my pears will show me where to go next...



As for 'Sabbath Rest', I think Maggie, as usual has it down. She just knows how to do it. She is also pretty resourceful...she has made use of my shower towels. Good dog, Maggie, good dog...




As I stated at the start, there was no reason or rhyme other than felt the need to post...Have a peaceful day and a thoughtful day,maybe... and thanks for reading. Comments are always nice...

A Mary Oliver Kind of a Day...

As I move along in my studies as an art student with my concentration in painting... I have reached the place on this journey of being directed to begin thinking about and writing a proposal for what I want to focus on this semester. That gave me pause, what do I want to put my attention to...there it is, the thing which stops me, blocks me, my cement wall in the road with seemingly no way around it.

I wrote it out and handed it in. Today I reread it and thought more about my words. I said in effect that I "want to focus on the ordinary, the simple...trying to keep in mind that everything is a potential set up...learn to look beyond the whole and find the beauty in the parts. There were some words about technique and things I would like to work on such as economy of strokes and light and shadow being the thing that drives everything on the canvas.

I have started with pears, old faithful pears...beautiful shapes, subtle colors. I have scraped off my canvas twice already this week, in disgust. But I am working on it, staring at it, mumble, moan inwardly and continue see things I could change...that is the important thing. I am researching things I may want to work with and in so doing I reached for one of my books by Mary Oliver book, which I do when a little out of sorts and found a poem, Wild Geese and that led me to look at and begin to draw some wild geese...now there s a stretch. Not so much because the poem was specifically about geese but the thoughts and feelings that came about in the reading of the poem and the geese are now the connection for me...and maybe something to take me over that cement wall in the middle of my road.



I found the reading of Wild Geese by the poet herself and that was an emotional moment. The poem being read by the author brought me to tears. So I offer it to you today and hope you hear something you needed to hear today as I did.





Then I happened upon Messenger. As I said earlier, it is just that kind of day...

Messenger

My work is loving the world.
Here the sunflowers, there the hummingbird —
equal seekers of sweetness.
Here the quickening yeast; there the blue plums.
Here the clam deep in the speckled sand.

Are my boots old? Is my coat torn?
Am I no longer young, and still not half-perfect? Let me
keep my mind on what matters,
which is my work,

which is mostly standing still and learning to be
astonished.
The phoebe, the delphinium.
The sheep in the pasture, and the pasture.
Which is mostly rejoicing, since all ingredients are here,

which is gratitude, to be given a mind and a heart
and these body-clothes,
a mouth with which to give shouts of joy
to the moth and the wren, to the sleepy dug-up clam,
telling them all, over and over, how it is
that we live forever.


~ Mary Oliver ~

Have a great day and thanks for reading.

Calm Before the Storm...

India Point Park, Providence, RI ( Narragansett Bay)


Well the preparations are finished, yard cleared of summer, nothing left to become a missile and the drizzle has begun but the storm is 24 hours away from Rhode Island. The storm being Hurricane Irene. We have not gone through a large one here in 20 years or more...not sure what to expect as the reports change frequently. Everything has been canceled for the next few days. The warning goes from our south coast, on the ocean, right up the mouth of Narragansett Bay ,


Cranston, RI on Narragansett Bay

all the way up to Providence and all the cities and towns that surround it, with where I live being one of them. I live far enough away from it to not have to worry about the predicted surge. But on the other hand, I live not far from the Pawtuxet River and therefore our water table is usually high causing concern because of the copious amounts of rain also predicted.

We will possibly loose power as my electricity provider just sent an e-mail giving specifics... Didn't know they had my e-mail address but the big clue to this storm's impending presence was the arrival of Jim Cantore, of The Weather Channel to Providence on Thursday...now you know when he shows up it can't be good. I believe he is in New York City now, 3 hours away from us.

But for today, it is calm, quiet, and oh so humid. You could 'cut the air with a knife' is one saying or 'swimming on land'...or 'wearing your air', some what uncomfortable. I plan to take pictures and watch the power and might of weather...awe inspiring. I'll move my car, 'Gracie', to the other side of the house as I have a huge oak tree near the drive way and the house for that matter. That tree is probably older than me and I don't think it is going anywhere...I hope not anyway, I love that tree. But rather be safe than sorry...love my car too.



It has certainly been a strange year for extreme weather here in the Northeast. More snow than we have ever seen in a long time, then the terribly uncomfortable heat and humidity of this past summer. and let me not forget the earthquake near Washington, DC this week that some felt as far as New England...I was not one of them.

So that is my day today...I wish I was down by the shore to see the surf, maybe some chowder, clamcakes and the spray of ocean...can't imagine not living near the ocean.

Thanks for reading, have a great day and God bless...

Taking Stock...

Well summer, for all intents and purposes, is almost finished. It has been a strange one filled with loss, a wedding, a summer class, bugs, bag worms( arborvitae pests),



bee stings, oppressive heat and humidity...and accidents as well as the regular ups and downs of life. I didn't get anything done that I had planned to, which has been weighing heavily on me. My loom still has the same project on it since May...painted only three little paintings.


My finger is still swollen and weak...told it can sometimes take up to 6 months to heal...bothersome. Amazing how much one depends on that finger for some as simple as a mug of coffee can prove to be too heavy if not held right. Weaving has been some what difficult...those of you who are weavers, think about how we send the shuttle back and forth.



I did make it to the beach, once this summer, but with all that said, I am ready for the change of seasons. I love Fall, it's my favorite.

This post is somewhat disjointed...guess that is how I am feeling. Classes start next Monday and I think I could rest another 6 weeks...feeling that fatigued. My words skim over the top of what I really think... and need to write but leave unsaid. Hard navigating through life sometimes...Still
trying to learn the lessons of surrender...



Something Maggie seems to have down...That's my knitting bag she has claimed to rest her little head...good dog, Maggie, good dog.

Have a great day and thanks for reading.

Busy Days...but Not Exactly What I Had Planned

Each day has a way of just running into the next...not sure where one begins and the next leaves off. I had great plans to work hard but found many interruptions and distractions and accidents have hampered my plans...The heat and humidity I do not enjoy and it really interferes...Then there is the flea battle...even though poor Maggie has been on Frontline Plus since May. I have spoken to the vet and the company...vacuum and wash floors daily. Well I could have done that without the Frontline? I comb her and I am disgusted. Company says kills new fleas in 4 to 18 hours...never had this problem before. But evidently I am not alone because the company has extended new guarantees regarding the problem according to the papers sent out by my vet. So I comb poor Maggie, vacuum and wash floors.

Then there is the sprained finger. Walked my regular three miles two weeks ago then pick up Maggie and took her for a little walk. I began to run, turned my head to check to see if she was running and hit a curb and slid on my knees, elbow, and fingers. Quite the mess. Had an ex-ray and came back as a bad sprain. Ice and elevate. Still not working right, swollen and stiff.

Then there is the bag worm invasion of my arborvitae trees in front of my house...long story but suffice to say one needs to pick them off...yuk, gross...and I got stung by a hornet on the other hand, same finger while picking. So now I was icing both hands. So no weaving or painting has found it's way to completion which has been frustrating.

And that is but a few of the things keeping me occupied this summer. There have been some good things too, fun things. A trip with my small Art Group to Boston to the Museum of Art, and a Studio Tour in a another part of out state and Southeastern Massachusetts on another Sunday afternoon. There have been parties and a baby girl born to a wonderful young couple, wedding shower for another couple leading up to their wedding today! She is my best friend's grand daughter. So I am looking forward to this afternoon being with people I love and celebrating a new marriage, a new adventure for a loving young couple...so God Bless Jessie and Ben today and their future...and may the rain stop any time now...

Have a great day and thanks for reading...